Sunday, September 6, 2009

MY WEEK AT THE CLUB

For my birthday this year, Randy bought me a week of personal training at the local health club.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school long distance track runner 32 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress, so here's how my week went.
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MONDAY:
I started my day at 5:00 a.m. It was tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
I was so sore, and Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why in the world would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other senseless things too.
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THURSDAY:
Slave driver was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny Witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
I hate that guy Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
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SUNDAY:
I can hardly move, so I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year Randy will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

2 comments:

debbie said...

Hi Karen,
This is one of the, No, THE funniest story I have ever read. I was thinking, gee, Kim only gave me a little netbook computer for my Birthday, Maybe I would like the Christo guy too. Then as I worked my way thru your story, suddenly, I loved my netbook and My Husband. Please don't ever quit sharing your very funny sense of humor with us. love ya

Karen said...

Supposedly some people thought this was a true story. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, but it was not my story. My dad sent this to me and I thought it was funny so I changed the names to protect the innocent, and posted it to my blog. :)

Anyone that really knows me would know that I would never get all googly eyed over a man other than Randy.